stuff!!!!!!!!!! dies
it's been a little while! but it's also not been that long. i dunno like, time is weird. it feels like it's been forever but i'm just a few weeks into my new job. things are starting to even out by now. if there's one thing i've learned it's that you have to TRUST THE PROCESS...
i've been thinking about how when i was doing therapy for generalised anxiety disorder, a few years ago, my therapist told me to treat scary things like an experiment. like, you write a theory, you test the theory, you record the results. and i did actually record the results for like, a couple weeks i think, i had a chart he gave me lol. sometimes though, i wonder if that did something to my brain like, obviously it did lol, but a lot of the time i almost feel like i'm not experiencing things first-hand. like i guess i thought after a time i would stop BEING anxious in situations that i've done multiple times, but i just keep feeling the fear and doing it anyway. like talking in front of people or whatever. i even don't spend days to weeks feeling awful and not sleeping, leading up to the thing, which i'm extremely grateful for, but when it comes to it i just like. my body goes into emergency mode but i ignore it and do the thing but forget everything i wanted to say and somehow get through it and then immediately forget what i even said that whole time. and then die of exhaustion.
i guess i'm not that experienced yet and these things are few and far between, so maybe there's hope for me to not shrivel up and die every time forever lol. anyway, to the point, i have one of these things on tuesday and i wrote out all the stuff i wanna say and i have to lead an activity and like i'm not even worried about it, but i also know that as kickass as my writing was, it will not translate well when i'm trying to say the same stuff out loud lol. i'm not reading off a script cuz i want it to come off organic and i'd refer to my notes but somehow i literally can't READ when i'm under pressure lol. or half the time anyway. but i'll look at it and my brain's like, those sure are words! wonder what they say. lmao.
it's just annoying cuz like regardless of how i type here where i'm not trying, i feel confident about my ability to communicate via the written word so like it's frustrating that i have to use the mode of communication that i'm the worst at for this stuff. because like most of the good stuff gets lost in translation.
alas, i get paid either way i guess. i do actually care about doing a good job though, is the thing. cuz i feel like i'm doing something worthwhile.
but enough about that...
something else that's had my cogs turning... i decided i wanna get healthier, and do it properly, from a place of self-care... the first time i got really into fitness, i hated my body, and i went way too hard and it was no fun. and like the worst thing is i didn't even get the body i wanted lmao. the times i've been on diets came from hating myself too. my brain has grown up a little more now though and i'm a lot kinder to myself. i'm really trying not to go into it with a specific image in mind and i really just want to eat better and move more because it makes me feel good.
i think it was important for me to have this time though even if i've not looked after my health the best -- i had to repair my relationship with like, myself and with food and exercise. i feel better about myself now despite the fact i didn't realise how much weight i'd put on switching to what is quite a sedentary job for the past year lol. still it's something of a feat that i can eat whatever the hell i want and not feel guilty because there are no MORALS tied to FOOD... ok anyway. speaking of food i gotta eat.
Current Mood: accomplished Current Food: boutta make a pizza flatbread thing Current Music: The New Sound - Geordie Greep