still going through it lol
hello again lol. i'm trying to do this more regularly but i haven't made a habit of it yet so i just keep forgetting it's a thing i can do.
i'm in a weird place right now. things are going, good, overall, but i'm struggling mentally. i mean it's no wonder really cuz everything is up in the air, or has been, with my job, but it means soon i should hopefully be able to work 4 days, which still isn't enough to move out but it's something. i was on the pill for a short time and that almost obliterated me lol. my dog had to have surgery on his ear and i've not been able to leave him unsupervised. now his other ear is developing a hematoma as well. it's crazy. so i need to make a vet's appointment tomorrow.
i've been good like, during the day, well, tired but in good spirits. been helping my mum clear out some stuff from my grandad's house. i bought new earplugs, and a sticker album for all my unused stickers, and i have a desk chair on the way which will be great (i hope) because right now i have a stool as a desk chair cuz i'm dumb and i thought it'd be a good way to improve my posture and make sure i don't sit at my desk for too long. turns out the adhd hyperfocus doesnt care about my back pain so much. so surprising i know.
i also have been on a mission lately to just sort things out in general, this is my family home but we have so much old stuff and it's gonna be a while til i move out and i just want my exercise bike to be accessible again but i don't have space to put it in my own room so i need to shift everything around which starts with getting rid of everything in the Miscellaneous Cupboard... moving my shelves in there, moving the old wardrobe to my dad's room, and the dvd shelf needs to go somewhere, and the drawers, and the monopoly boards. none of this stuff is even mine which is what makes it so annoying lol. ive always been called the lazy untidy one but it's not like anyone else ever gets anything done til i make a whole thing of it.
anyway, that's been keeping me busy and motivated. but every time i hear from my friend she talks about this guy she's seeing and again i legitimately wouldn't have it be any other way, it's just been getting me down about being aro, again lol. it starts out how i'll never have a relationship and then it spirals into i'll never even do anything worthwhile with my time here on earth lol.
i'm just like. with my brother and sister-in-law having their first baby and my sister is like with a guy who seems to not be a complete idiot which is a win for her. and this with my friend. to be honest i have a dark little guy in my head whose motivation for earning more money and moving out is like. to just get out of everyone's hair? like to just stop being a bother. i'll have my little corner of the earth and i'll come out to be useful, drive my family places and look after their pets when they go on holidays and then i'll go back to my cave. i know, i KNOW people actually like having me around. it's just the older i get, the more pathetic i feel for existing in other people's presence. i guess, at least if i lived alone i would have some air of like, this is my choice, to be single, to live independently and go about my business as i wish. but right now i'm living in borrowed space. i feel like a bit of a plague on the earth. like an error.
it goes against everything i believe because, you shouldn't have to get a job or a relationship or literally anything, to be worthy of life and respect and happiness. so that keeps me in check. it's harder when it's yourself, obviously.
Current Mood: depressed