oats we sow
Ok I swear I hit 'save as draft' but my post disappeared lol. Anyway I was explaining a bunch of context which wasn't needed so, serendipitous perhaps.
I was talking about what feels like a friendship breakup, and, I don't know if it is or not. She said she needed to take a break, eventually turned up again saying she needs to establish boundaries, isn't good for her to be unpacking stuff all the time. Also says it's not good for either of us. Also not something she can handle from me. I think. Felt mortally wounded by this because she said this right after I sent her 20 minutes of voice note about a thing she asked me to let her know how it went. It really felt like. Oh I'm too much. Okay.
I really don't think she thinks that, except in the sense that I actually am being too much for her and that's what she essentially said. I guess I just mean I know there's no malice behind it. And I'm okay with her establishing boundaries, that's literally her choice, I respect it, I've been respecting it. I've not been going to her with my problems. But then she starts sending me things about issues in her life again and I'm confused, and wondering what I'm supposed to say in response. I don't know if it's the autism or what but I can't be doing with this ambiguous state of friendship.
She keeps sending me random stuff about whatever too, which feels really hollow to me, and I don't know why she's doing that. I've not been saying much so I don't know if she's doing this to try and reconnect, but it just feels like. What's the point. I don't wanna talk about arbitrary stuff if we're not also talking about anything real. I don't know how to respond. And I feel bad because right now everything she sends me just makes me mad or upset.
And, bless my bff (hi Sam!!!) for listening to me go on about all this for ages. This whole thing though has me questioning my own stuff. This friend has said she's prone to landing in these codependent friendships, relationships, and now she realised I'm also included in that. So then I'm reckoning with this idea of, wait, am I codependent? And it makes me feel bad for venting to Sam, cause I feel like I'm just doing the same thing. So I'm trying to journal more now. But it's hard for me to figure out how much of that is coming from me just feeling like I'm being too much. I know Sam doesn't think that.
I think it's fair enough for me to feel hurt. I think the boundary is healthy and necessary. I think I'm a little heartbroken. I think our friendship is fundamentally altered, and for the second time ever in 20 or so years of friendship, I think we might not be friends forever. I think it's okay for me to feel wounded even if it's the right thing.
I think the reason it gets to me so much is, well, obviously firstly it's just a massive change. Some of the worst things and the best things in my life have been happening to me in the past few weeks and she has no idea. She doesn't know I'm entering this new chapter with Sam and I feel really excited about it and it's filled a void in my life where I haven't had anyone to actually spend time with outside of my own immediate family. And she doesn't know I'm at a pivotal moment in my job and I've been at one of my lowest points in a long time and been an anxious wreck and completely lost faith in my own abilities because of work. I said to Sam before, I just, can't go from what we had before to talking about stuff on a surface level. She said at one point she wants to hear about whatever's going on in my life "if you think it would help to share it", which, is that the only reason we're sharing things? I thought we were just being. Friends. I don't know.
I dunno where the hell we go from here. Maybe I'll feel differently after some time has passed. I also don't want it to pass without addressing this. I know I'm someone who doesn't want to ever confront anyone about anything or feels like I'm not allowed to feel hurt. But that's also something I need to work on.
Current mood: Whatever
Currently listening to: Gregory and the Hawk (yikes! one of those nights)
Currently reading: The Worm Ouroboros