cogitations of a deid mann

the start of a new era

hi there... I decided I wanted to keep journaling as I did for a while on dreamwidth. i searched long and hard for some software i could download that would be similar - having the date system, the sections for current music, food, location, or whatever. turns out no such thing exists, not close enough for what i wanted anyway. this obsidian software is like really simple and nice but also has not been intuitive at all lol. i read that there are plugins for it so i'm interested to see what the deal is there and maybe i can customise it into something really nice. either way, after painstakingly copy+pasting every single entry (thank god i didn't write more than i did), here we are, the start of a new era.

it's been a long time since i wrote an entry on dreamwidth so a lot has changed. the idea of posting personal stuff on the world wide web started to freak me out, even though i didn't put any sensitive info on there. there's the whole puzzle effect or whatever of personal data. and everything about AI these days, and the fact websites get archived and all that, I just decided it wasn't worth it. although i will miss the features, and how it's kinda old web vibes.

speaking of, I want to get back to working on my neocities site. i need to write some big old thing about Yarrow and a bit about Jesper and the whole world too. i think it will be on its own page, rather than on the larger oc page. or maybe, just its own section on the oc page. it won't follow the same format is all. i think...

what else has changed for me then...

looking at my last entry, which was on 21st June (it's now 5th November...), well, I've been at this job for a lot longer. 4-5 months. things feel a lot more normal now. i've been working a lot of events, a lot of late nights and weekends. now i'm on annual leave this week and i'm feeling kind of aimless. there's stuff i want to work on but maybe my brain is just tired. i wish i was feeling creative. i'm honestly still really excited about me and sam's little oc world but i'm sad that nothing is coming to me. in the beginning it was constant new ideas and excitement to work on things, write and draw. but realistically i always knew that phase would end. i'd like to find some inspiration though.

i should explain, just to document it -- me and sam, somehow, ended up creating a new oc universe. I had Yarrow already, and technically some version of him has existed since i was about 13, 14, 15, not sure... anyway, he's only been called Yarrow for... no more than a year or two... again i don't really remember lol. regardless he's been just kind of existing with no real leads. i changed things so many times and nothing ever really stuck. but with the introduction of Sam's character Jesper it's really taken off because he now has something to bounce off. so i'm really grateful for that. i'm grateful that sam is so motivated to work on oc development because otherwise they'd be much more neglected by now. in fact, thinking about it, i might not have been drawing or writing my ocs at all by now.

i'm thinking about how i'm not really an ambitious person. i remember having a conversation with (redacted) over lockdown where i was looking for a job, had been unemployed for a long time im pretty sure at this point, and i said i was unambitious, but she said that i do have ambitions. i want to move out and live comfortably. i agree that's an ambition. and it's pretty ambitious these days lol. but i guess what i was getting at, that i realise better now, is that i'm not really aiming for anything in particular. i don't dream of having a job, or living somewhere in particular - i just want to make enough money to live on my own but not far away from my family. because i would die without them, or i'd find it quite lonely i think. i'm not the type of person to move somewhere where i don't know a single person and be able to make my way in the world. i mean, maybe i could. but i don't feel driven to do that. i like being around my family -- i'd like being around them more if i had the ability to pick and choose when i see them and when i have alone time, but i certainly want them to be in my life.

but i do feel like i can't really start living until i move. i wish i could just get on my bike or go for a walk because i feel like it. i won't have a dog. i want to be able to just do things. i couldnt believe it when i was staying at joe's just the other day and on both days i was there i just went for a walk because it was as simple as getting dressed and stepping outside. i could walk for as long as i wanted and then just go back. no hanging around with a dog. i love (my dog) so much like genuinely he fills me with joy but also. it would be great not to be limited or have my day predetermined by whether there's anyone else to walk the dog. like sometimes i'd like to ride my bike but i don't think i'll have the energy to do that and go for a possibly quite long walk. it's not just the physical exercise but the being outside and having to deal with people. it's a great source of stress. i know it shouldn't really be, but it is. just having to navigate being around people, do they have a dog, being perceived in public, that kind of thing. i can't just walk by when i have a dog.

i keep noticing stuff that frustrates me to death and making mental notes of how i'm gonna live. i'm gonna be a god damn minimalist compared to living at home. i'll have like 5 cleaning products, only stuff i need. i'll have shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturiser, toothpaste, suncream, body wash. one of everything until i'm nearly out. i won't buy random ass skincare or beauty products and let them pile up and use them once or twice and never throw them away.

i'll have a sensible amount of spices, staples like beans and tinned tomatoes, i'll have mostly frozen vegetables in the freezer, i won't buy lots of random stuff i can't fit in my freezer. i'll have eggs and pasta and rice and bread. on occasion i'll buy nice bread. i won't have random shit in my cupboards. i'll have a healthy mug collection because i love mugs. i'll probably have clutter, sure, but it will be art supplies and sketchbooks and hobby stuff. and i'll be able to throw out whatever i want if i get frustrated with the amount of clutter.

i am concerned about clothes for one thing. but hopefully it will be manageable.

okay... i'm really hungry so i'm going to see what's happening about dinner. (if it were just me i could simply make some pasta right now)

i wanted to carry on the tradition of current food, current music though. i'm actually not listening to anything in particular, it's some boring autoplayed stuff. currently...