my brain hurts
I finally just got done posting all my old entries from Dreamwidth. And there were only three on Obsidian but I only uploaded the first one cuz the other two were full of details about my actual real life job and junk and I'd have to redact literally like 70% of the text lol.
I feel better than last night. Something clicked for me literally this morning as I was talking to Sam -- I know this friend of mine takes on the weight of other people's problems and emotions whereas I, kind of don't. We've spoken about this before. I'm always hoping people's circumstances change and they feel better but I still have a healthy amount of distance from it, I think. So I understand why it's necessary for her now more than I did. I don't have to understand it to respect it, but it makes me feel better lol. Still hurts but. You know.
I had a messy moment in the middle of the night (after I posted the last entry) and deleted my message to her I sent talking about the meeting that happened yesterday. I still don't feel good about sharing things with her right now regardless of if that changes in the future so I stand by it. You have to scroll up a little to see it anyway so she might not notice, or she might not ask me about it anyway.
I'm bored of thinking about it anyway, got something out of my system yesterday, which was the goal.
I still feel sick as hell today -- went to get a couple things done with my mum, ordered two shirts with her staff discount lol. Decided to drive cuz I have actual AC in my car and it's hot as hell and my temperature is out of whack so I needed the good AC. But I was driving kinda bad and she ended up driving us home cuz I was making her nervous lmao. Surreal being in the passenger seat in my own car for the first time. Note to self: vacuum the crumbs out of your car before Wednesday. I've been informally invited to a leaving do for someone at work and I dunno if I'll go but if I do I'll be offering lifts. .......
Um, anyway. Swapped out my bluetooth keyboard for an old USB one and it's nice enough. Has a numpad and dedicated volume buttons which is nice to have. Keys not like the flat little ones but still pretty low-profile. Don't have to wait for it to connect so I can type in my passcode when I first boot up my PC. I think I need to get a wrist pad though. Been thinking that for years. And forgetting.
I am excited for the highly anticipated Backrooms Monday with Sam....!!! I just remembered we talked about Hot Fuzz so I'll suggest that too, or they'll just read this and take this as my suggestion lmao whatever happens first. I'm not much of a film person generally so I have, as you'll see from my homepage, two films that even come to mind that I'd choose to sit down and watch again. I guess there are other films I do like. Monsters Inc. I feel is a cinematic masterpiece but, it doesn't mean I particularly want to sit and watch it again. There was a time when I was a teenager when I started buying Ghibli DVDs and there are still some I've never watched. I'll probably end up trading those in. My Neighbour Totoro and Howl's Moving Castle are old favourites though. The Wind Rises left an impression on me too, I really liked that one. I just never get around to watching films. Except when it's a fun activity to do with my friend :) it's like I never sit down at my PC and play games but it gives you the excuse to and it's a lot more fun that way.
Okay. Anyway. My mood has been up and down like crazy, big wins (new friend era; pivotal work moment went good), big thumbs down bad times (other friend; feeling incapable of doing my job). So I'm glad to feel relatively calm today. Sick. But in touch with reality. Not catastrophic. The wins are still winning. The bad times feel less raw and relevant. Other than feeling sick as hell I feel pretty good lmao.
Current mood: (ᵕ–﹏–)🌡️ sick, but okay
Currently listening to: Houseplants - Squid
Currently reading: The Worm Ouroboros