more on that ex thing
I've been letting these thoughts percolate for the past couple days and now I'm like. I've spoken to three friends now and they all were angry about all the same stuff for the same reasons. I'm not doing anything about it right now apart from just not replying to her for the time being but it feels Personal now in a way it didn't before.
My friend V said now M is identifying as a woman she's like, in her lesbian era and this is probably why she feels it's acceptable to say stuff like she did and it made me realise like... in her head I feel like she's communicating woman-to-woman. And it's kind of wild one of the first things V said was about how M referred to my chest and she must know I'm uncomfortable with that, especially using the word "tits" (!!) and I'm like. This cis straight woman has this at the forefront of her mind and yet M, who should be well aware of how gender dysphoria works, has made more references to my chest and my being a "woman" than ... even people who don't know I'm agender lol.
And like. Honestly. The one thing I always said to M's credit is that she respected my boundaries when we were 'dating'. But the more I think about it, the more I remember like... there was stuff I never explicitly said no to, but, looking back, I hardly ever initiated a damn thing. I liked hands so I initiated hand-holding sometimes. I liked having a warm body to hold onto in bed the couple times that happened. But she just, I felt like she was always taking what she could. She would kiss me on the head or wherever all the time cuz I said I didn't like it on the mouth. She was always just like. Loving on me lol. And honest to god I don't think I ever acted like I liked it. But had I not broken up with her we would still be in the same place. She never would have broken up with me because I didn't seem into it. She would still be taking whatever she could get. She still is!!!!! Taking whatever she can get!!!!!!! So like. I don't know what I was being so grateful for. Thanks for not sexually assaulting me?
Which. Honestly it's been really validating, the fact that both Sam and V both said that the tits thing was sexual assault. Unprompted lol. So she doesn't even have that going for her.
Now I'm here I just see how much I haven't been respecting myself at all and have been putting her feelings above my own and it's honestly making me feel bad like. I said this on here a while ago --- I need to stop neglecting my own needs.
Fully convinced at this point that she does still have feelings for me btw.
Anyway I'm just sick of her bringing up this irrelevant stuff all the time, what comics she is working on, GIRL I don't care!!!!!! I remember she said something the other day as well about, it would be nice to see me drawing again. And in my head I'm like girl I am drawing, at least I do sometimes, or, I create things, I've been creating things, I just don't show them to her. I bet this never occurred to her lmao. I am so glad now that I never shared any of my new-era stuff, my website, me and Sam's oc universe, anything that felt personal to me. I'm glad I kept that for myself. Cuz I don't trust her with that and clearly I never did.
Umm anyway... that's all. Off work again today and I don't care too much. I'll be back next week cuz I took leave for tomorrow anyway. I'm glad about that. Played a little Skyrim. Really enjoying that right now but I'm glad the obsession has died down a little and I'm not actively destroying my sleep schedule anymore lol. We love Mivarsh the Dastard.
Current mood: !!!
Currently reading: I have like an hour left of The Worm Ouroboros lol
Currently listening to: