Keeps me alive
Finding it hard to differentiate
Are my proclivities of society
Or innate?
Well, the source is irrelevant
When it comes to truth
And the truth is I want the same thing that you do
Childlike curiosity about my fate
Is the only thing that makes me stay
It keeps me alive
I'm having big feelings today lol. Me and Sam hung out again and watched Project Hail Mary today! Was fun. It's a low-stakes film aside from the fact that it's literally about an existential threat to the universe. It's fun and lighthearted about it somehow. But something about it got me from the first time I saw it -- seeing Grace throughout the film feeling like an outsider, having Stratt tell him "you don't have any immediate family; you dont even have a dog", etc. It's this alienation that I've felt my whole life. Not to be dramatic but especially when I was younger I felt as if my existence was expendable. I used to carry around this belief that I was the one child too many, because most family deals are two adults and two kids. Lol. Then realising I was aromantic broke me for a long time. I guess I thought being in a partnership would prove my worthiness as a human being, or something. It comes down to wanting to be desired in some way, to be chosen. To be prioritised. I felt that not being in a partnership when everyone around me either is or has the potential to enter one at any time, meant I would never be anyone's first choice. Or that if I was, eventually I wouldn't be, when they found someone else. Which has been true on several occasions in the past.
In my lowest moments I still methodically go through all of the people and even animals in my life and decide on whether anything would actually change if I died, or if I had never been there to begin with. And there's never anyone who wouldn't survive without me -- people find a way to make things work no matter what. This is a distorted way of thinking. I don't actually want anyone or anything to entirely depend on me to survive. I have to be enough for myself. At the same time though, I go so far the other way that I become jaded. It's been hard to recognise that it's okay to want to feel wanted.
Anyway, I'm a lot better these days but I somewhat hardened from all of that, and various other things, finding it hard to make friends, losing close friends, you know. I guess I didn't realise how much of that was still ingrained in me until me and Sam started hanging out. It's been really valuable for us both to be open about all of this stuff and, for this to feel like an equal friendship that we're both excited about putting time and energy into. Which has always been the case!!! But having the Discord channel, making stuff for it, setting aside actual chunks of scheduled time to hang out and do things together... but it also being relaxed and low-stakes... I dunno. I just feel like I'm figuring out what I actually enjoy and want to do when I've always just gone along with whatever came up cuz it felt like I had to take whatever I could get. I finally feel like I'm being chosen. And like I am allowed to choose. I don't think I've ever felt like that.
In other news... I got an external disc drive so now I can play films on my PC, and I got PHM on DVD today, which my mum was happy about too lol. Back to work tomorrow. Maybe there was other stuff to report but I don't remember, seems unimportant right now lol. Talking to my other friend a little more. We had something like an actual conversation yesterday, short-lived as it was lol. Things continue to be Smaller but I think it's for the best.
Current mood: ( ĖĶ įµ ĖĶā”) content
Currently listening to: grae - Moses Sumney
Currently reading: The Worm Ouroboros