interesting times
my emotions are up and down like crazy lately lol. i feel like i'm in a transitional phase of my life right now. i've been saying that since i left education though honestly. being in your 20s is wild i guess.
i had a brief thought just now which is actually why i'm here. i really need to start figuring out what i'm gonna do after my current job contract is up. i won't get too specific on this public online space nobody is reading but, in my job i've had a few glimpses at what it's like actually hiring people to do artwork and stuff and it's interesting. i feel like i've picked up a lot more practical understanding of being an artist from actually being on the other side than i ever did at university lol. i really don't know about doing it as a job but it's interesting to consider because, theoretically it's something i could do, especially now i've worked on my anxiety a lot. it could suit me better than the whole 9-5 life. and i guess i have connections at the place where i work, now. so it's a possibility. i really don't know lol.
i felt really down most of today. i'm realllllyyyyy really really tired. my body aches and i feel like my bones are made of concrete. it's likely contributing to my low mood so i'm hoping i'll feel like. human again soon.
i started crying last night thinking about my friend who's abandoned me lmao. so dramatic. feeling more level-headed about it now. it actually hit me all of a sudden cuz i suddenly started thinking about when i was around 16 and i blocked and unfollowed one of my closest friends on every platform cuz i felt so betrayed. we used to talk and hang out constantly and then she, i guess just didn't have time for me anymore. nowadays i wouldn't do that i think lol but when i was 16 it hit me so hard and it took me a really long time to get over that. i thought that we would be best friends forever. i think it hits harder as an aro person, although i didn't know i was aro then. i had zero interest in romantic relationships though, so friendships were really all i had. all i still do have. so when i suddenly realised last night that it felt like the same thing was happening again, it kinda broke me. i know it's different and i'm a grown adult and life happens lmao but enough has changed and we've stayed friends still, despite seeing each other pretty rarely. it feels different now. i feel like bbc sherlock when he left john and mary's wedding early without saying goodbye lmao.
anyway, when i see it for what it is, without all the stuff about my identity and my personal shortcomings, the problem feels much smaller and simpler. like, i'll literally survive. it's not a threat to my existence lol. it's just a bummer.
Current Mood: contemplative Current Food: pizza wrap thingy Current Music: when you're loved like you are - of montreal