im gonna frow up
I'm not at peace with dying alone
But I'm not at war either
No, I am planted on the shore knowing
The ashen tide may or may not rise
Well I drifted off pretty quick but woke up at 2 am, so fun. My body is experiencing TOO MUCH and I wish I could switch it off lol. Um. All of this stuff with Sam (hi Sam) brought up some unexpected, old ass feelings. I sent them a long voice note and I don't think I was really ready to do that, I don't think I explained myself very well, and like, it doesn't matter at the end of the day cuz we're just having an honest conversation and I feel like we could figure anything out together. I just---suddenly felt like oh god I'm being too much I ruined it. Which is a fear we both have expressed on several occasions in the past and has never turned out to be true so lol.
All I really wanted to convey is that like. Not that it isn't a big deal for them too, but I feel like I'm in a unique position here as someone who didn't even know if they wanted any kind of partner at all cuz, I'm aro as hell, I never found anyone who I could see myself building a life with, and like, I'm 28 so there's time but I live in a relatively small town with a small proportion of queer people as in, I don't know anyone except my trans friend I dated years ago and that's not happening, and I had just sort of resigned myself to the fact I was never gonna have anyone to 'do life' with -- I know that V wouldn't because she wants to end up with a man in a straight relationship and otherwise likes living alone, and I don't really want that with her anyway, and I think I would like living alone too but I can't afford it. Like I was saying to Sam all I've ever really wanted is to just have my little space that is Mine. But the fear of being alone gets me, especially as I get older and I run out of family. So this whole thing just brought up a lot of feelings about stuff I haven't really allowed myself to think about. And I really like what I have with Sam and I don't want it to change. I guess I just got a glimpse of the fact I apparently don't hate the idea of being a 'partner' to someone in some way, which I didn't know ! Because my only frame of reference is two failed relationships where referring to them as my anything felt wrong. So it just makes me wonder if I was wrong about not wanting anything, I mean, someone, closer to home, who I could 'do life' with. But these things are always theoretical until they happen huh. I refer to the lyric up there from yet another Moses Sumney song.
Also, my back hurts. Dunno what the hell I did. I do want to hang out tomorrow (today) (i want to scream) and I think the normalcy of that will bring me back down to earth but I've had so little sleep lately and I feel so uncomfortable that I dunno if it'd be better just to go home and take a huge nap. I'm sick to death of work right now and it's going to be even worse having barely slept. Hopefully I can pass out now I got that out of my system lol.
Current mood: (っ- ‸ - ς) nauseous
Currently reading: The Worm Ouroboros
Currently listening to: