I'm back baby!!!
Hello. I fixed up my theme. I don't really know what the vibe is supposed to be. Medieval but modern.
I'm Sick :( I have a cold and it's July. Cruel and unusual. I'm sad cuz I could've been hanging out with Sam watching Backrooms but God had other plans. It's ok though, gotta remind myself it's literally chill. Not like we have a deadline lol.
A deadline I DO have though is this. Damn. Project at work I've basically been working on for the past 2+ years. The title of this entry is in reference to how I had an important meeting today with people much more important than me, the lowly whatever-my-job-is (I'm not even being vague for the sake of the Public Internet it's just my job is weirdly specific). Everyone in this meeting is paid a good chunk more than me I mean I'm not far above living wage lol, and, I'm like, bringing everything I've got to this meeting and I'm SICK, and this whole time I've felt clueless and. Having brought up all of this stuff, it's like, oh none of these guys really know either lol. In fact I've highlighted some real issues and I feel vindicated cuz it IS complicated and it HAS been nonsensical and I HAVEN'T had the resources to do my job properly and I'm like okay!!! Cool. Well I can rest in the knowledge that this is above my pay grade and I've done (I think) all I reasonably could. I guess I could've raised stuff but I'm like. I'm not even qualified, I didn't go to school for this, it was brand new to me a couple years ago and I've been surrounded by people who should've planned things better.
Anyway, so I've been feeling really down on myself about my abilities and this was what I needed. I've been reflecting on how, I guess I've been very vulnerable to The Horrors in the past few months especially, being burnt-out to hell, and having a weirdo confusing new manager who is really hot-and-cold and communicates in a really ambiguous way and seems to get exasperated with me because my stupid brain doesn't work. Which, by the way, it's not long ago that I literally took a week off for anxiety and came back and explained this to her and she took it really well, and back in my first 1-to-1 meeting with her she also reacted ? neutrally? to telling her about my (probable, undiagnosed) neurodivergence and burnout, and I'm just now really absorbing the fact she's been really crappy in that regard. How are you getting mad at me for having processing issues when I said I have processing issues. Okay anyway. I'm still over this job but I feel better lol.
I've been contemplating getting to the other big things happening in my life lately, but, maybe I'll get into it next time. It's gonna be long I think lol.
Current mood: ✧｡٩(ˊᗜˋ )و✧*｡ vindicated! but sick...
Currently listening to: Spitfire - The Prodigy
Currently reading: The Worm Ouroboros - E. R. Eddison