hello...............
i'm back.
after my minor breakdown lmao i'm feeling okay again, and i've had to do some more things that make me uneasy but then, i've felt less bothered about it. i forget if i wrote about it but i think the week before i was off sick, i had to do a thing where i talked in front of maybe 20 people and i messed up so bad lol everyone seemed bored as hell and i just wanted to go home... anyway following that i just felt super anxious that i was some kind of freak and i should just not exist in public and all my new colleagues hate me so it made the next few things at work a really crappy time and then i just. couldn't deal on that one day and called in sick. i don't regret that still.
i was feeling pretty good today, and yesterday even. despite the horrors. i feel a bit like i can actually do it. which is nice.
i'm looking to have my bike serviced still. it works fine but the tyres are cracked and the back wheel makes a mildly concerning noise. monday is a non-working day so here's hoping i get around to booking it lol i think i'm gonna have to go on my own which makes me nervous. i also got a second-hand bike rack for my car, still need to figure out how to put it on there lol. makes it easier to get around though. been looking at bike trails that are relatively easy and not a million miles away. not many options lol. still would be cool to drive an hour to someplace nice if it was with someone else and we could make a day of it.
my boss today said i was "cool as a cucumber" which has been stuck in my brain cuz it's not the first time i've been told that i come off as chilled out and i'm like... hello? are we talking about me? but it's probably a good thing.
i've been thinking about how much work it's taken to get here and be on a somewhat equal footing with people who, seemingly, took to these things a lot easier than me. i'm not even bitter about it lol it's just interesting being a part of this world. i'm just barely reaching this point i feel like most people in office jobs are at where theyre like oh another meeting, whatever, and they just show up, usually unprepared, having not thoroughly read the email beforehand. like now i realise i can do that and nobody's gonna even call me out for it lol. i don't do that though. i think i'm just more honest about not understanding or having much to contribute all the time. i used to be so much more scared of getting caught out for doing something wrong or not doing enough. i dunno. i'm realising a lot of my skills were born from that anxiety lmao. being super independent, breaking things down, distilling them into something easier to understand. being organised and on top of things, in a work setting. i've just been that scared of missing something.
anyway... i've been wanting to play metal gear solid again for a while -- i played snake eater when i was a teenager and it was fun lol, and metal gear rising. i decided to try ground zeroes thinking it was gonna be around the same difficulty level -- it is NOT. i got tired of dying over and over in the first god dang mission lmao like, the enemies still are pretty dumb but much harder to avoid and when they spotted me i would just die every time cuz like you get shot one time and everything goes white. i don't really understand how im meant to get to safety or attack anyone if you can't see anything. i might go back to it or i might try phantom pain next cuz in that one you do get a horse and a dog lol. might also replay snake eater. might also also try and finish bayonetta cuz that was fun and not too difficult. and very camp.
i might write some stuff soon about the one friend, i haven't actively spoken to her much as of late and i go in and out of feeling bad about it. i think we're both just adults doing our thing by now. i'm okay about that. i guess i've felt bad that she doesn't need me and it seems like when we're not getting deep about whatever problems, we're not talking much at all ... i guess it's okay. makes me wonder if she feels any type of way about it. i guess i could ask. i should really lmao. i also don't like her boyfriend and he gives me bad vibes. which she knows because i've told her after she's gotten upset about stuff he's said multiple times lol. she said she appreciated it but theyre still together and maybe she doesn't wanna hear that anymore. whatever i don't even wanna think about it. i'm too aro for this lol.
i need to go to bed cuz i'm going out in the morning... woe
Current Mood: good Current Food: a little ummmmm tony's chocolonely perhaps Current Music: ambient noise from mgs lol