hazy
I've been putting off writing for a little while cuz... I don't know... feels like a whole can of worms. I'm off work today and feeling kind of bad about it, despite logic, despite the lack of pressure on me from my manager, despite the fact I won't even work there in a couple weeks' time. There has been some stuff going on in my brain though so I thought it would probably help to write it down.
Firstly this morning... I didn't get up and eventually at like 11 or something my mum knocks on the door, I guess she saw my car was still outside, and asks if I'm not going to work today. I say no and go back to bed. Some time later I come downstairs and she doesn't ask me what's up, am I okay, anything, proceeds to get mad at me about like 3 random things... I put a satsuma peel in my bin upstairs like that's. The kind of thing. The last thing I say "yes" with a tinge of annoyance when she calls my name a third time cuz like forgive me and then she won't tell me what it is and I just. Left after that. I don't expect my parents to take care of me, a grown adult, but then. I guess it just feels like I'm doing it all on my own sometimes. It would be easier if I was physically on my own, maybe. I keep thinking it would be so much easier to book doctors appointments, get therapy, whatever, without having to explain or dance around the topic to my parents. I would like to be able to be honest with them but at the same time I think I should be able to decide if and when I'm ready to.
Anyway. I guess on a related note. My sister just started antidepressants for anxiety. She's done two types of therapy in the past and they, I dunno, maybe partially or temporarily worked but now this is what the doctor suggested. I'm grateful that she told me, and she hasn't told my parents, at least at this point in time. I didn't think too much of it at the time but it's been on my mind cuz growing up, she's my older sister, I was always painfully shy, she would speak up for me, I copied everything she did. I guess you just get older and see things that were always there. I remember as a teenager she used to absolutely blow up and storm off over, from my perspective, the most random things. And no one ever went after her. And it made me think cuz, nobody really ever went after me either to see if I was okay. I spent so much time as a kid/teen on my own in my bedroom. I was slapped in the face earlier today with the memory that I wrote in the front of my journal something like, "if I'm dead I guess I can't stop you reading this but I'd prefer if you didn't". I think I was around 12 lol. And then I added something about how I only wrote in there at my darkest moments and I was usually okay. But it strikes me lately that I've had it in the back of my mind since I was a child that I would die before my parents and they would have to deal with all my stuff. I remember that being a big reason why I never seriously considered killing myself. Wild lol.
This is really just a stream of consciousness but. What I was getting to is that I do actually think there's stuff I could work through with a therapist. It's not just the above, I guess really I just think my self esteem is really low. I actually do like myself most of the time, and I used to hate myself, and so I maybe thought I was healed. But I mean in the sense of self-belief, self-confidence, self-respect. I don't know why I can't just like. Stop feeling like I'm disappointing people all the time, and like it's the end of the world if I was. Like. What about me dawg. When do I get to feel good.
Something else I guess I'll sum up here and, again I guess it's connected --- the other day I went to a little event with my weirdo ex of 5000 years ago who won't let the friendship die. And I've been caught up this whole time in the dilemma of, I'm ready to let it die but I can't bring myself to put a definitive end to it to protect her feelings, but. Anyway lmao she did for real cross my boundaries this time and it made it feel pretty final. I haven't said anything to her yet but. I dunno. I can't see her again in person. She said she owed me money for a couple stickers I got on a deal and I was like no you don't owe me for those and she's like thanks maybe I could buy you a coffee sometime. NO... I said I didn't want anything for them... lmao. Anyway I'm not touching that for today.
Umm lastly... I took my dog in the car up to a nice outdoor space like 5 minutes drive from my house. I did not know everyone and their mums would be walking their dogs at the same time but it was a big enough space that I could mainly avoid everyone. I kind of needed the novelty of being somewhere that wasn't immediately on my doorstep. I've been sort of sleepwalking through the whole day and I thought it might bring me back to earth but I just felt hazy throughout and even still now. Was still nice though and I got a few photos on my olympus C-350.
Current mood: bro i don't even know
Currently reading: reading the worm ouroboros as eternally as ouroboros itself
Currently listening to: