goodbye, oh goodbye
You were perched atop my shoulder
You were pecking at my head
And if I had a hole to crawl in
I would be there and be dead
You were spilling all my will out
I was bleeding my last brains
It's nothing like the nothingness
That normally numbs one's pain
I can't sleep so I guess it's time to write about this. I finally ended a near-enough decade-long friendship with M. I wrote before about how she made me really uncomfortable the last time we met up, and, as V pointed out, it's fair enough that I hadn't ended things earlier because it really did feel too random and so this felt like an actual catalyst to send the message I ended up sending. I was feeling really bad about letting it continue when I didn't even really like M anymore and would complain to anyone about her, my friends, family, and then act like everything was okay when we spoke. Anyway, now it feels more justified, especially following her response to my message (that I told her not to reply to). It just proved to me that she actually has not changed a tiny bit in the entire time that I've known her.
It makes me sad because there's so much she could do to help herself but so long as she doesn't feel like she deserves any better, she will stay in the same place. I wish I could've made her understand that things could be better. And I keep picturing her crying, the same way she did when I broke up with her and still followed her home because even then I feared she would be a danger to herself. When I couldn't sleep the night I sent the message, I kept thinking how she'd still be awake and probably online on Steam. Same as always. I'm sure she's having a horrible time.
I archived her chat on my phone. I was so mad about how she responded, it made it easier to deal with. Like, thanks for confirming I did the right thing. But now that anger has passed I have these thoughts creeping in again, and I still know deep down that this was necessary, and these things happen all the time, friendships end, she's not my responsibility, she acted manipulative, our whole 'friendship' was mostly based on my concern for her wellbeing rather than any real companionship, and it's better for the both of us not to be in each other's lives. And I already tried several times to do more of a slow fade, even deleted my Twitter account back in the day and she eventually contacted me on Messenger instead... had I had the courage then, I would have been honest in that moment and ended things there. Had I had the courage, I would have ended things with her all together when I broke up with her 'romantically'. There were many times I could have, but I have grown a lot over the years, and so I'm not going to feel bad that I wasn't ready until now.
But it's easy to forget all of the reasons it was necessary to end it when I'm preoccupied thinking about the human being that she is and the feelings she must be experiencing. And yet, I can logically understand that me being her friend was not helping her situation, and actually, this is probably the kindest thing I could do for her. And I'm proud of myself for doing it. For having the self respect not to put her feelings above my own. I'm getting better at that these days.
I guess the one thing that's bothering me is that I left her last message on read. There are things I would have liked to add. If I had, it would be to say "it's unfair of you to put that on me. I said everything I needed to say so I hope you really read it." Technically I still could but the moment has passed and I don't think she would take it in anyway, just like how she replied so soon after I sent my message because she didn't actually read it, just panicked. And, if she has the capacity to learn and grow at all in this lifetime, she will come to understand my words eventually. So I don't really need to add anything.
I'll never find out, but I hope that this is the wake up call she needs to realise that all this wallowing in self-pity hurts the people around you, not just yourself. And I hope she picks herself up, gets a job, or whatever she needs to do, and gets to transition and live authentically. I hope she finds better friends who know the real her and enjoy her company. I hope she forgets all about me.
I wish she knew all of that, but I'm learning to accept that no matter what you say or do, you can't control what someone else believes.
Current mood: ambivalent
Currently reading: Project Hail Mary - Andy Weir
Song of the day: Goodbye, Oh Goodbye - AJJ