changed username
hello... i changed my username. i used the previous one on other sites than this one and i wanted this to be totally disconnected to anything else. i only have one friend who knows of my username that im using elsewhere, and they also have my dreamwidth account lmao so like there's no threat here at all i'm just worrying about nothing. i guess in my head i wanna be able to maybe show other people my neocities website and i don't want it tied to this place. because i talk about a lot of personal stuff. ya know. shoutout to my one friend who gets to read it >:) hi!!!
so anyway i'm back from my brother's house and back to wearing noise cancelling headphones most of the time cuz the noise and general presence of other people makes me go bananas... makes me really yearn for my own place. been looking at property websites again, seeing if i'm any closer to being able to afford anything lol. i THINK i could MAYBE POSSIBLY be able to afford to buy a flat. which honestly. i don't want to rent but i don't mind the idea of living in a flat, so... seems like a good route. it's a good chunk less per month than taking out a mortgage on a house with potentially the same amount of bed/bathrooms and it's like bro i don't need that space anyway. once upon a time i really wanted a garden but i could live without it. im talking about achievable goals, ya know. anyway i think i'm repeating myself a bit from the last entry lol.
i got a haircut today which is freaking me out cuz i got it straightened (my hair is curly) and i do it as a novelty but it's also weird and, oddly kind of bothers me in a sensory... sense. anyway celebrating cuz my hair was soooosososo heavy and now i got rid of a lot of it lol. having very long hair started to be kind of unflattering and weird to me somehow. also it's really hot right now so it's a relief in that way too.
i feel sort of bad about my previous entries about my one friend i've been feeling bad about (i should give these people codenames lol) but im trying to honour my feelings and not delete the entries. i think it really goes to show i absolutely needed this week off work cuz i just. my brain was poisoned or something. i feel like i healed over this week and i feel much more level-headed and no longer like people secretly hate me. not looking forward to going back to work though. i have a chat scheduled with my manager and i'm wondering how honest i should be about how much i'm struggling lmao. i should be Honest i think. i just don't really know what the solution would be. i don't want to quit my job but the very essence of it involves stuff that i find absolutely exhausting and having to be switched on so much is something that like, i'm not necessarily conscious of as it's happening, i'm just always in 'coping' mode and then later i realise i was masking super hard that whole time lol. it's just a lot and it doesn't seem to get any easier.
sometimes i sort of fool myself into thinking im quite regular and nothing is especially odd or different about me and then other times i consider my position in life and the general difficulty i have doing regular ass stuff every day of my life lmao. and all the stuff i hide away and systematically reveal to people i've known for a while, to the point i'll know someone for years and realise they hardly know a thing about me.
alas. i'm bored and i'm going to bed now. although god knows i won't fall asleep easily cuz it's HOT and we have no AC in most UK homes so... it's me and my little fan against the world lol.
Current Mood: thoughtful Current Food: salt and pepper chicken Current Music: been sat in silence for a while lol