catsitting
ahoy! I'm at my brother's house looking after his cats while he's away lol. i am really appreciating being able to control the noise level like... i'm just not thinking about noise. at home i have my noise cancelling earphones/headphones on 90% of the time and if i don't, noise starts to grate on me really fast.
i saw a post recently talking about how it's okay to live with your parents no matter the reason... i knew this theoretically but seeing the post and subsequent commentary agreeing with it made me feel a lot better. it's like bro, im the aroace, autistic one who doesnt want kids like. i'm the milestone avoider. why am i acting like i have to move out lol. it's optional. i get along with my parents and they like having me around, and we share responsibilities like adults who are living in the same house.
of course though, being in my brother's empty house, which i've done several times now, always reinforces how i actually would like to be able to live alone. there's the noise/sensory thing, there's decorating how i want to, there's like. not having to have my parents necessarily be aware of my every move. and, like, when i'm at home i'll just watch tv most nights. when i'm at my brother's or whatever, i'm drawing, i'm practicing coding, i'm watching whatever i want on youtube on the big tv in the living room.
i saw a flat for sale that's sort of almost in my budget, the other day. i think it's semi-realistic to imagine i could actually go for something like that in the next few years. i work 4 days so i'd probably have to go up to 5, but if i could do something less mentally taxing, i might be able to manage that. it's hard to accurately predict what i can afford but i've always been very frugal so i'm sure i could make it work. i like the idea of a flat, in a way -- i'd sort of like a garden but then, maybe i don't want to maintain that. also some flats do have gardens/outdoor space. but like, i'll be at my parents' all the time anyway. i just want a space that i can return to, where i can have peace.
anyway, randomly feeling a lot better today. is it RANDOM or is it because i'm off work and have my own space to spend time on hobbies lol. i did really sink into some kind of pit for a while there. i'm hoping i'll stay feeling better. it's funny, i'm just not bothered about any of the stuff i was talking about in the last couple entries. i was feeling really self-conscious, i think. being at work doesn't help cuz i think i just always feel a need to keep up with people, and present myself as like... not a loser. but i'm not a loser. i'm different to them. things are harder to me. i'm fighting all the time. i'm pretending all the time. i'm nervous all the time. if i were in an environment that was built for me, i wouldn't feel like that. so, i guess i'm just being kinder to myself.
Current Mood: calm Current Food: ravioli Current Music: DROP!! - joey valence & brae